A Heart Surrendered to Christ

I have been going to church since I can remember. We went to a bible camp for a week one summer and we asked Jesus into our hearts and were all baptized in the river. It was awesome. They told us to pray and seek God and read the bible. Hmm, ok so I received a bible. I read it all the time but I didn't change. What was I missing? So when I was 10, in grade 5 I received a Giddeons bible. Said the sinners pray that was in it and nothing!! I coasted through life and bad things happened that I couldn't understand.I felt unworthy and unloved. I was told that I wasn't wanted and the only people that loved me or wanted me were men that abused me in various ways. So I left home the first time trying to find my niche in life because life at home wasn't working. I joined the exhibition or a fair that traveled from place to place and became sexually promiscuous in exchange for a place to live and help to feed me. When I didn't find what I was looking for here I returned to my parents. I got married at a very young age thinking that finally someone would love me unconditionally and accept me, boy was I ever wrong. So I moved onto another relationship. During my second marriage and third relationship the Lord started wooing me. I started searching with a desire for completion. I started studying and reading the bible fervently, knowing that the answer was between these pages but not sure where to find it. Back to church I go with my fractured family. After being physically hurt my life came to a point of decision. He would need to give his heart to the Lord or we were finished! I thought that it was his fault that our marriage and life was so bad. I even prayed and asked the Lord to fix him. What a laugh that was I felt with in my mind that I was the one that needed to be fixed,surrender was the thought. My point of decision actually came during a prayer meeting. I was sitting there praying and just soaking in what we were praying about and this vision of Christ on the cross came before me. The vision so humbled me to the point that I was having a hard time breathing and started crying. The thought at that time was my sin put Jesus on the cross. With this vivid picture of what it cost Jesus I asked but what was my sin? Pride,rebellion, selfishness, self-centeredness, lying,sexual sins are the things put Jesus on that cross, plus so many more. Then I remembered an old testament story about the scape goat and how they sacrificed an unblemished lamb and put the sins upon the goat and put it outside the walls of the city. Jesus was crucified outside the walls of the city and MY SINS were placed upon HIM! He didn't deserve it I DID!  He is full of grace and mercy and is so very forgiving. I still struggle with things daily and am learning to live the surrendered life. I have great difficulties with relationships whether it's with my husband, children or coworkers, even withThe Lord but day by day He is doing the work as I surrender to Him.
Thank you for this study, He is working mightily through it.